What colossal death robot are you?

Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

Which horrible affliction are you?

Which Horrible Affliction are you?
A Rum and Monkey disease.

Which historical lunatic are you?

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

Born in England sometime in the second decade of the nineteenth century, you carved a notable business career, in South Africa and later San Francisco, until an entry into the rice market wiped out your fortune in 1854. After this, you became quite different. The first sign of this came on September 17, 1859, when you expressed your dissatisfaction with the political situation in America by declaring yourself Norton I, Emperor of the USA. You remained as such, unchallenged, for twenty-one years.

Within a month you had decreed the dissolution of Congress. When this was largely ignored, you summoned all interested parties to discuss the matter in a music hall, and then summoned the army to quell the rebellious leaders in Washington. This did not work. Magnanimously, you decreed (eventually) that Congress could remain for the time being. However, you disbanded both major political parties in 1869, as well as instituting a fine of $25 for using the abominable nickname "Frisco" for your home city.

Your days consisted of parading around your domain - the San Francisco streets - in a uniform of royal blue with gold epaulettes. This was set off by a beaver hat and umbrella. You dispensed philosophy and inspected the state of sidewalks and the police with equal aplomb. You were a great ally of the maligned Chinese of the city, and once dispersed a riot by standing between the Chinese and their would-be assailants and reciting the Lord's Prayer quietly, head bowed.

Once arrested, you were swiftly pardoned by the Police Chief with all apologies, after which all policemen were ordered to salute you on the street. Your renown grew. Proprietors of respectable establishments fixed brass plaques to their walls proclaiming your patronage; musical and theatrical performances invariably reserved seats for you and your two dogs. (As an aside, you were a good friend of Mark Twain, who wrote an epitaph for one of your faithful hounds, Bummer.) The Census of 1870 listed your occupation as "Emperor".

The Board of Supervisors of San Francisco, upon noticing the slightly delapidated state of your attire, replaced it at their own expense. You responded graciously by granting a patent of nobility to each member. Your death, collapsing on the street on January 8, 1880, made front page news under the headline "Le Roi est Mort". Aside from what you had on your person, your possessions amounted to a single sovereign, a collection of walking sticks, an old sabre, your correspondence with Queen Victoria and 1,098,235 shares of stock in a worthless gold mine. Your funeral cortege was of 30,000 people and over two miles long.

The burial was marked by a total eclipse of the sun.

Resolutions for the Chronically Ill

Rosalind Jaffe's New Years Resolutions:

In the year 2006

1. I will not limit what I do because of fear of pain or more illness. I will take more risks and stretch my body ‘s limits and my soul because that will help me feel good.

2. I will not, however, ignore my aching self during the day and just keep pushing. I will remind myself that it’s not just important, it is critical to take more breaks at the computer, walk early, mid and late in the day, and do my physical therapy exercises as prescribed.

3. I will not use fatigue and pain as an excuse to be crabby with others. I will recognize that I’m really only angry at me for letting myself get to the point where I feel so badly.

4. I will not wait until I’m desperate to ask for help just because my illness is getting in the way again. I will ask for what I need WHEN I need it.

5. I will not become sad or frustrated by how bad it feels when I am sick, tired or in pain. I will work harder and smarter at what it takes to make me feel good.

6. I will not resent others who seem to complain about the small stuff, especially when it’s a health problem. I will do a better job of reminding myself that life really is a relative experience.

7. I will not become angry with the people whom I love when they don’t notice that I’m not feeling “well”. I will share what I need to share and remember that others can’t really walk in my shoes.

8. I will meditate each day, even for only 10 minutes, because it will make me a more joyful and calmer person.

9. I will not tense with fear when I see that I’m on a path where there is only black ice on the ground. I will practice staying aware so I don’t fall flat on my face.

10. And, finally, I will not forget to give myself a pat on the back at the end of each day. I will remember that if I am not my own best coach and cheerleader, who will be?

Rosalind Joffe, M. Ed.
Rosalind Joffe coaches individuals with chronic illness on how to thrive - not just survive - in the workplace. Drawing on 25 years of living with her own chronic illnesses, 30 years of experience in the workplace, and her extensive training and practice as a coach, she helps others to prosper in their work.
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